Experiencing the loss of a loved one can be difficult at any age but it can be especially hard when the loss is experienced by a child. Unlike adults, children don’t have many resources to help them — so that’s why it’s important that a parent is a consistent resource for them after a death. During this time, it’s important to be honest and talk to your child about how you’re both feeling.
Supporting your kids and wanting to protect them and nurture them is a normal thing to do, and there’s nothing better than having a support system in place for them. But what do you do when your kids go back to school? Unfortunately, you can’t be there for them during the school day. Kids just want to feel normal, and experiencing the death of someone may not feel so ordinary, especially if the death is known by other kids and teachers at school. But there are some things you can do to make re-entry into their daily school routine an easier transition as your child comes to terms with the loss of a loved one after a death.
Often, the routine of a school day is helpful, but there may be times when a little extra help and structure would be beneficial. These few basic steps are great starting grounds for managing the transition back to school after a death of a loved one.
At school:
- Talk to the teachers and school administrators as well as a school guidance counselor. If your child is going back to a new school year after a death during the summer, your child’s teacher may not know their typical behavior and won’t necessarily notice anything out of the ordinary. Even if your child spends little time with a teacher, be sure to let that teacher know what happened. Before any such conversations occur, make sure you let your child know you’ll be doing this and that they are comfortable with it.
- Keep communication open between you and the school. Talk to your child’s teachers about all the best ways to keep in touch and to share anything that might be of concern at home or at school. It can be a weekly email, or a phone call every few weeks. Whatever works best for everyone involved so that communication is open to any changes in behavior or grief symptoms that may need to be addressed.
- Don’t rule out evaluation and counseling. Sometimes, it may take a while for your child to work through his or her grief and as it does, it can come out in different ways. Oftentimes family and friends will offer you the advice that kids are resilient and they will come through it all of their own accord – but sometimes, it’s not a bad idea to have extra help and have someone to talk to. The way your child acts in school can be a great indicator on how well they are coping inside of themselves.
It’s imperative that you talk to your child about other kids’ reactions. Some of the other kids may not know that there has been a death, so talk to your child about whether they want to share this information with them or not. If your child doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel ready, practice some possible conversations with them on how they can deal with questions that might be asked of them from other students or even their teachers. Be aware that they may feel uncomfortable talking about it. Children don’t want to feel different from anyone else – but experiencing a loss in the family can make them feel that way.
Talking to your child and working with them in finding ways to make them feel more comfortable and honest about their feelings is important. Sometimes kids can make hurtful, inappropriate and unintentional comments because they may not really understand death. Regardless, it’s a good idea to make sure your child knows ways to respond to comments that may make them feel uncomfortable.
Talk to your child:
- About coping mechanisms. As a parent, you want to always be there for your children, but since you can’t be with them during school days, it’s beneficial to find another trusted adult at school whom your child may feel comfortable or safe talking to. Together, you and your child can come up with ways that they can do things to help them cope when they feel like they’re having a hard time. One thing you can do is check their homework — not necessarily for accuracy, but for what they are drawing and writing. Many hidden feelings come out this way.
- About adults they can trust, including a school counselor. It helps to have an adult whom your child feels comfortable and safe with to be around and talk to during the day. Children oftentimes have a favorite teacher or teacher’s aide at school, and it would be a good idea to identify that person with your child and let them know in the event of your child needing someone to talk to. It can even be someone from a previous grade that your child feels safe to be around with.
- About how they should enjoy themselves while being back at school. School can be an exciting aspect of your kid’s daily life – but your child may feel guilty or confused about enjoying themselves after a death in the family. Assure them that it’s alright to be happy and that you want them to enjoy their school year.
We all want to protect our children from feelings of hurt or pain – but by taking steps like these, you are showing them the deepest kind of love by teaching them how to cope with loss in a healthy way.
Click here to learn more about HCL’s Kid’s Path program.
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